Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Every BBC series about the universe.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.