Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.