Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
May have had one breakfast too many
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”