Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.