Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task