Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

ㅤ

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.