Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot