Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
my first day as a raccoon
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]