Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Something Saturday.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
rapatouille
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.