Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

oh shit

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Monday

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

respect

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Love it! 👍😂

the saddest jazz hands ever

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.