Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

When your diet is finally over.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

“no gods no masters” = leo

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?