Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
There’s only one good girl here!
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
is he marrying that labradoodle
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean