Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT