Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Buck naked
grotesque if literal: baby food
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sunday
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.