Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

This made me chuckle cuz mood

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I might carry a baby with one hand.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!