Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why