Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.