him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?