Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Bro what is this

Autocorrect is my menesis

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar