Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.