Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The photographer’s assistant
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute