HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
