Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.