Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.