Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]