Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

and now we wait

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

You had me at “define legal”.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok