Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
This was a bad idea all around
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
crazy
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho