Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

A friend sent me this.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart