every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it