Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁