@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

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@VaChina1

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@ValeeGrrl

After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@omerwahaj

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

@JimmerThatisAll

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.