How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.