Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?