@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

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@WookieOnUnicorn

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@markydoodoo

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

@KentWGraham

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

@junejuly12

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.