Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.


Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.


Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.


dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave


Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday.
Is that so much to ask ?


[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds


You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.