@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

@WilliamAder

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

@Kryzazy

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday.
Is that so much to ask ?

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@Social_Mime

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.