Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
You Might Also Like
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I have no passwords left in me
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*