him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.