him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
c’mon!
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.