him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
congratulations to them
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.