him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
He took my last fry, your honor
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
This is my brand.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick