him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I enjoy a good short stor
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.