Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.