Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
it is time once again
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys