Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
#IWishIHadNever noticed
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A friend sent me this.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there