Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Glasses
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.