Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

beware of dog

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!