HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
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Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…