Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
mom gave me mine for free
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I think I’m having a stroke
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat