Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.