Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Still cracks me up
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Never forget.
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”