Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Squirrels before girls.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap