Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Are you ok, human???

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time