him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”