Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

a badder mouse

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Everything reminds me of my ex

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.