Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again