Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Voodoo map

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”