Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”