Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?
You’re literally sitting next to me.