@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

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@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

@LuvPug

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@SortaBad

saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”

@TheHyyyype

my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

@Parkerlawyer

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.