Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.