Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

she has a point

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?