Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?