@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

- @jctwritesstuff

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@SocialExtortion

Hey, not too bad
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I love you too
Ok, bye

-phone convos with mom

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@TheToddWilliams

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.