Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

💀 😭

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

grandparents are too precious for this world

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.