Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.