Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.