Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
