Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
