Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
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Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Alexa: *deep breath*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies