Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Florida be like…

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?