Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”