Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
shut up and take my money
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?